Sunday, 25 October 2009

How To Have Fun Without Any Clothes On

You know when you are in a hotel room, you can see the crack of light under the bathroom door? Always useful for finding it in the dark, especially when you are in a different hotel every night, as is often the case for me these days. I was on tour with Katie Melua, and we were in York. I got up for a wee in the middle of the night, and, using the light under the door as my guiding star, I wandered, half asleep and completely naked, towards the bathroom. Eyes half closed, not very alert, - I opened the door and stepped into the bathroom. Except it wasn’t the bathroom. It was the corridor of the hotel.

Just as I heard the sickeningly final clunk of the door closing behind me I realised the awful truth. I was standing, completely naked, with no key, in the brightly lit corridor of this medium-to-posh country hotel. My door was firmly locked behind me. There was not even so much as a magazine or room service napkin lying around to offer me any “cover”.

Luckily, at 4am I was the sole occupant of the corridor. It didn’t take me long to realise that I had only one option. To go down to the hotel reception and see if there was a night porter to let me back into my room. There was. He was sitting at the desk reading a newspaper. I decided that being shy would be more embarrassing than pretending this sort of thing happened quite often, so I just strode up to the desk as nonchalantly as possible, leaned a casual arm on the check-in desk and told the guy I’d accidentally locked myself out of my room. I didn’t need to mention that I was totally, stitchlessly, bollock-naked.

To his great credit he just got up, all stiff upper lip and sang-froid, took the master keys, said “This way, Sir” and led me back up the stairs to my first floor room, let me in and wished me goodnight.

Just thought I’d pass it on. Don’t ever trust that crack of light


  1. Thanks for sharing your bright shining moment at a kinder kind of Overlook Hotel. Hilarious!

  2. Kudos to you, sir. I'm not sure I could be that nonchalant if I needed to wee that badly.

  3. Well now, that is quite something. I don't think I could have been so brave, I'd have tried to pretend I was a potted plant or ... no, that wouldn't work either. But I think you may have something in the whole "wandering naked minstrel" .... ;D

    Very impressed that you managed to maintain an air of dignity throughout. Reminds of a story told by my grandmother... Although, I don't believe nudity was involved, but certainly pantaloons were mentioned o.O

  4. I did a cruise ship gig many years ago. I was heading back to my room from the crew bar around 3am when I bumped into a thoroughly bewildered elderly gent (in his pyjamas). He'd done the same thing...walked out of his room looking for the bathroom and ended up in the corridor. He got such a shock he wandered off and had no clue which door was his.

    I had to lead him up to reception so that they could figure out his room number :-)

  5. You mean you leave the bathroom light on when you're in bed? That's not very eco-friendly...

  6. Some people have very interesting lives :)
    I send the link to this to my friend. Having read it, she said she'd read every single blog entry here. Got no idea if she managed to...